Collection of postings from my favorite sites, plus commentary on politics, sports, music, travel, and other fun topics.
Monday, April 28, 2008
Thinking Quiz
Thanks, Larry.
----------------
----------------
Here is a little quiz used by Anderson Consulting Group in their presentations to professionals around the world.1.How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.�
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door.�
��
This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2 How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Did you say, �Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?�
Wrong Answer.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.
This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals
Attend .... Except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there.�
��
This tests your memory.
Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and
You do not have a boat. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer:? You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been paying attention? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting.
This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the
professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.�
Send this out to frustrate all of your smart friends.
PS: Just the fact that I sent it to you shoud make you feel good.
Labels:
humor
Family Watchdog Site
Thanks, Larry
----------------
www.FamilyWatchDog.us
----------------
www.FamilyWatchDog.us
When you visit the above site you can enter your address and a map will pop up with your house as a small icon of a house. There will be red, blue and green dots surrounding your entire neighborhood. When you click on these dots a picture of a criminal will appear with his or her home address and the description of the crime he or she has committed.
The best thing is that you can show your children or grandchildren these pictures and see how close these people live to their home or school.
This site was developed by John Walsh from Americas Most Wanted. This is another tool we can use to help us keep our kids safe.
Labels:
Useful info
Calvin & Hobbes - Week of Apr 28th
http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/2008/04/28/
http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/2008/04/29/
http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/2008/04/30/
http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/2008/05/01/
http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/2008/05/02/
http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/2008/05/03/
http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/2008/05/04/
http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/2008/04/29/
http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/2008/04/30/
http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/2008/05/01/
http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/2008/05/02/
http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/2008/05/03/
http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/2008/05/04/
Labels:
humor
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
My Son
Thanks, Larry!
--------------------
This is great, take a moment to read it, it will make your day!
The ending will surprise you
--------------------
This is great, take a moment to read it, it will make your day!
The ending will surprise you
- Take my Son
- A wealthy man and his son loved to collect rare works of art. They had everything in their collection, from Picasso to Raphael. They would often sit together and admire the great works of art.
- When the Vietnam conflict broke out, the son went to war. He was very courageous and died in battle while rescuing another soldier. The father was notified and grieved deeply for his only son .
- About a month later, just before Christmas, there was a knock at the door. A young man stood at the door with a large package in his hands.
- He said, "Sir, you don't know me, but I am the soldier for whom your son gave his life. He saved many lives that day, and he was carrying me to safety when a bullet struck him in the heart and he died instantly. He often talked about you, and your love for art." The young man held out this package. "I know this isn't much. I'm not really a great artist, but I think your son would have wanted you to have this."
- The father opened the package. It was a portrait of his son, painted by the young man. He stared in awe at the way the soldier had captured the personality of his son in the painting. The father was so drawn to the eyes that his own eyes welled up with tears. He thanked the young man and offered to pay him for the picture. "Oh, no sir, I could never repay what your son did for me. It's a gift."
- The father hung the portrait over his mantle. Every time visitors came to his home he took them to see the portrait of his son before he showed them any of the other great works he had collected.
- The man died a few months later. There was to be a great auction of his paintings Many influential people gathered, ex cited over seeing the great paintings and having an opportunity to purchase one for their collection.
- On the platform sat the painting of the son The auctioneer pounded his gavel. "We will start the bidding with this picture of the son. Who will bid for this picture?"
- There was silence.
- Then a voice in the back of the room shouted, "We want to see the famous paintings. Skip this one."
- But the auctioneer persisted. "Will somebody bid for this painting. Who will start the bidding? $100, $200?"
- Another voice angrily. "We didn't come to see this painting. We came to see the Van Gogh's, the Rembrandt's. Get on with the real bids!"
- But still the auctioneer continued. "The son! The son! Who'll take the son?"
- Finally, a voice came from the very back of the room. It was the longtime gardener of the man and his son. "I'll give $10 for the painting." Being a poor man, it was all he could afford.
- "We have $10, who will bid $20?"
- "Give it to him for $10. Let's see the masters."
- "$10 is the bid, won't someone bid $20?"
- The crowd was becoming angry. They didn't want the picture of the son.
- They wanted the more worthy investments for their collections.
- The auctioneer pounded the gavel. "Going once, twice, SOLD for $10!"
- A man sitting on the second row shouted, "Now let's get on with the collection!"
- The auctioneer laid down his gavel. "I'm sorry, the auction is over."
- "What about the paintings?"
- "I am sorry. When I was called to conduct this auction, I was told of a secret stipulation in the will. I was not allowed to reveal that stipulation until this time. Only the painting of the son would be auctioned. Whoever bought that painting would inherit the entire estate, including the paintings.
- The man who took the son gets everything!"
- God gave His son 2,000 years ago to die on the cross. Much like the auctioneer, His message today is: "The son, the son, who'll take the son?"
- Because, you see, whoever takes the Son gets everything.
- FOR GOD SO LOVED THE WORLD HE GAVE HIS ONLY BEGOTTEN SON, WHO SO EVER BELIEVETH, SHALL HAVE ETERNAL LIFE...THAT'S LOVE
- Please send this to ten people and back to the one who sent it to you.
- Do whatever you like, but remember that maybe "one" of the people you might have taken the time to send this to, may be just the person who needs to hear this message. You have a choice to make."
- God Bless.
Labels:
encourage
Monday, April 21, 2008
Calvin & Hobbes - Week of Apr 21nd
http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/2008/04/21/
http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/2008/04/22/
http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/2008/04/23/
http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/2008/04/24/
http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/2008/04/25/
http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/2008/04/26/
http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/2008/04/27/
http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/2008/04/22/
http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/2008/04/23/
http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/2008/04/24/
http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/2008/04/25/
http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/2008/04/26/
http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/2008/04/27/
Labels:
humor
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Magic of a banana!
Thanks, Larry.
----------------
----------------
A professor at CCNY for a physiological psych class told his class about bananas.
He said
the expression 'going bananas' is from the effects of bananas on the brain.
Read on:
Never,
put your banana in the refrigerator!!!
This
is interesting.
After
reading this, you'll never look at a banana in the same way again.
Bananas
contain three natural sugars - sucrose, fructose and glucose combined with
fiber. A banana gives an instant, sustained and substantial boost of energy.
Research has proven that just two bananas provide enough energy for a
strenuous 90-minute workout. No wonder the banana is the number one fruit with
the world's leading athletes.
But energy isn't the only way a banana can
help us keep fit. It can also help overcome or prevent a substantial number of
illnesses and conditions, making it a must to add to our daily diet.
Depression: According to a
recent survey undertaken by MIND amongst people suffering from depression, many
felt much better after eating a banana. This is because bananas contain
tryptophan, a type of protein that the body converts into serotonin, known to
make you relax, improve your mood and generally make you feel happier.
PMS: Forget the pills
- eat a banana. The vitamin B6 it contains regulates blood glucose levels, which
can affect your mood.
Anemia: High in iron,
bananas can stimulate the production of hemoglobin in the blood and so helps in
cases of anemia..
Blood Pressure: This unique
tropical fruit is extremely high in potassium yet low in salt, making it perfect
to beat blood pressure. So much so, the US Food and Drug Administration has just
allowed the banana industry to make official claims for the fruit's ability to
reduce the risk of blood pressure and stroke.
Brain
Power: 200 students at a
Twickenham (Middlesex) school ( England ) were helped through their exams this
year by eating bananas at breakfast, break, and lunch in a bid to boost their
brain power. Research has shown that the potassium-packed fruit can assist
learning by making pupils more alert.
Constipation: High in fiber,
including bananas in the diet can help restore normal bowel action, helping to
overcome the problem without resorting to laxatives.
Hangovers: One of the
quickest
ways of curing a
hangover is to make a banana milkshake, sweetened with honey. The banana calms
the stomach and, with the help of the honey, builds up depleted blood sugar
levels, while the milk soothes and re-hydrates your system.
Heartburn: Bananas have a
natural antacid effect in the body, so if you suffer from heartburn, try eating
a banana for soothing relief.
Morning
Sickness: Snacking on
bananas between meals helps to keep blood sugar levels up and avoid morning
sickness.
Mosquito
bites: Before reaching
for the insect bite cream, try rubbing the affected area with the inside of a
banana skin. Many people find it amazingly successful at reducing swelling and
irritation.
Nerves: Bananas are high
in B vitamins that help calm the nervous system.
Overweight and at work?
Studies at the Institute of Psychology in Austria found pressure at work leads
to gorging on comfort food like chocolate and chips. Looking at 5,000 hospital
patients, researchers found the most obese were more likely to be in
high-pressure jobs. The report concluded that, to avoid panic-induced food
cravings, we need to control our blood sugar levels by snacking on high
carbohydrate foods every two hours to keep levels steady.
Ulcers: The banana is
used as the dietary food against intestinal disorders because of its soft
texture and smoothness. It is the only raw fruit that can be eaten without
distress in over-chronicler cases. It also neutralizes over-acidity and reduces
irritation by coating the lining of the stomach..
Temperature
control: Many other
cultures see bananas as a 'cooling' fruit that can lower both the physical and
emotional temperature of expectant mothers. In Thailand , for example, pregnant
women eat bananas to ensure their baby is born with a cool temperature.
Seasonal
Affective Disorder (SAD): Bananas can help
SAD sufferers because they contain the natural mood enhancer tryptophan.
Smoking
&Tobacco Use: Bananas can also
help people trying to give up smoking. The B6, B12 they contain, as well as the
potassium and magnesium found in them, help the body recover from the effects of
nicotine withdrawal.
Stress: Potassium is a
vital mineral, which helps normalize the heartbeat, sends oxygen to the brain
and regulates your body's water balance. When we are stressed, our metabolic
rate rises, thereby reducing our potassium levels. These can be rebalanced with
the help of a high-potassium banana snack.
Strokes: According to
research in The New England Journal of Medicine, eating bananas as part of a
regular diet can cut the risk of death by strokes by as much as 40%!
Warts: Those keen on
natural alternatives swear that if you want to kill off a wart, take a piece of
banana skin and place it on the wart, with the yellow side out. Carefully hold
the skin in place with a plaster or surgical tape!
So,
a banana really is a natural remedy for many ills. When you compare it to an
apple,it has four times the protein,twice the carbohydrate,three times the
phosphorus,five times the vitamin A and iron,and twice the other vitamins and
minerals. It is also rich in potassium and is one of the best value foods around
So maybe its time to change that well-known phrase so that we say, 'A banana a
day keeps the doctor away!'
PASS
IT ON TO YOUR FRIENDS
PS:
Bananas must be the reason monkeys are so happy all the time! I will add one
here;want a quick shine on our shoes??
Take the INSIDE of the banana skin,
and
rub directly on the shoe..
.polish with dry cloth.
Amazing fruit
F.R.O.G. Fully rely on GOD....
Labels:
Useful info
Some Nifty Tips: Some New - Some Old
Thanks to Larry.
-------------------
Did You Know ???????????
Peel a banana from the bottom and you won't have to pick the little "stringy things" off of it. That's how the primates do it.
Take your bananas apart when you get home from the store. If you leave them con- nected at the stem, they ripen faster.
Store your opened chunks of cheese in aluminum foil. It will stay fresh much longer and not mold!
Peppers with 3 bumps on the bottom are sweeter and better for eating. Peppers with 4 bumps on the bottom are firmer and better for cooking.
Add a teaspoon of water when frying ground beef. It will help pull the grease away from the meat while cooking.
To really make scrambled eggs or omelets rich add a couple of spoonfuls of sour cream, cream cheese, or heavy cream in and then beat them up.
For a cool brownie treat, make brownies as directed. Melt Andes mints in double broiler and pour over warm brownies. Let set for a wonderful minty frosting.
Add garlic immediately to a recipe if you want a light taste of garlic and at the end of the recipe if your want a stronger taste of garlic.
Snickers bars make a delicious dessert. Simple chop them up with the food chopper. Peel, core and slice a few apples. Place them in a baking dish and sprinkle the chopped candy bars over the apples. Bake at 350 for 15 minutes!!! Serve alone or with vanilla ice cream.
1. Reheat Pizza...Heat up leftover pizza in a nonstick skillet on top of the stove, set heat to med-low and heat till warm. This keeps the crust crispy. No soggy micro pizza. I saw this on the cooking channel and it really works.
2. Easy Deviled Eggs ...Put cooked egg yolks in a zip lock bag. Seal, mash till they are all broken up. Add remainder of ingredients, reseal, keep mashing it up mixing thoroughly, cut the tip of the baggy, squeeze mixture into egg. Just throw bag away when done easy clean up.
3. Expanding Frosting...When you buy a container of cake frosting from the store, whip it with your mixer for a few minutes. You can double it in size. You get to frost more cake/cupcakes with the same amount. You also eat less sugar and calories per serving.
4. Reheating Refrigerated Bread...To warm biscuits, pancakes, or muffins that were refrigerated, place them in a microwave with a cup of water. The increased moisture will keep the food moist and help it reheat faster.
5. Newspaper Weeds Away...Start putting in your plants, work the nutrients in your soil. Wet newspapers put layers around the plants overlapping as you go cover with mulch and forget about weeds. Weeds will get through some gardening plastic they will not get through wet newspapers.
6. Broken Glass ...Use a wet cotton ball or Q-tip to pick up the small shards of glass you can't see easily.
7. No More Mosquitoes...Place a dryer sheet in your pocket. It will keep the mosquitoes away.
8. Squirrel Away ...To keep squirrels from eating your plants sprinkle your plants with cayenne pepper. The cayenne pepper doesn't hurt the plant and the squirrels won't come near it.
9. Flexible Vacuum...To get something out of a heat register or under the fridge add an empty paper towel roll or empty gift wrap roll to your vacuum. It can be bent or flattened to get in narrow openings.
10. Reducing Static Cling...Pin a small safety pin to the seam of your slip and you will not have a clingy skirt or dress. Same thing works with slacks that cling when wearing panty hose. Place pin in seam of slacks and -- ta da! -- static is gone.
11. Measuring Cups...Before you pour sticky substances into a measuring cup, fill with hot water. Dump out the hot water, but don't dry cup. Next, add your ingredient, such as peanut butter, and watch how easily it comes right out.
12. Foggy Windshield.....Hate foggy windshields? Buy a chalkboard eraser and keep it in the glove box of your car. When the windows fog, rub with the eraser! Works better than a cloth!
13. Reopening Envelope....If you seal an envelope and then realize you forgot to include something inside, just place your sealed envelope in the freezer for an hour or two. Viola! It unseals easily.
14. Conditioner....Use your hair conditioner to shave your legs. It's a lot cheaper than shaving cream and leaves your legs really smooth. It's also a great way to use up the conditioner you bought but didn't like when you tried it in your hair...
15. Goodbye Fruit Flies.....To get rid of pesky fruit flies, take a small glass fill it 1/2" with Apple Cider Vinegar and 2 drops of dish washing liquid, mix well. You will find those flies drawn to the cup and gone forever!
16. Get Rid of Ants .....Put small piles of cornmeal where you see ants. They eat it, take it "home," can't digest it so it kills them. It may take a week or so, especially if it rains, but it works and you don't have the worry about pets or small children being harmed!
17. INFO ABOUT CLOTHES DRYERS....The heating unit went out on my dryer! The man that fixes things around the house for us told us that he wanted to show us something and he went over to the dryer and pulled out the lint filter. It was clean. (I always clean the lint from the filter after every load clothes.) He told us that he wanted to show us something; he took the filter over to the sink, ran hot water over it. The lint filter is made of a mesh material - I'm sure you know what your dryer's lint filter looks like. well,...the hot water just sat on top of the mesh! It didn't go through it at all! He told us that dryer sheets cause a film over that mesh that's what burns out the heating unit. You can't SEE the film, but it's there. It's what is in the dryer sheets to make your clothes soft and static free -- that nice fragrance too, you know how they can feel waxy when you take them out of the box, well this stuff builds up on your clothes and on your lint screen. This is also what causes dryer units to catch fire and potentially burn your house down with it! He said the best way to keep your dryer working for a very long time (and to keep your electric bill lower) is to take that filter out and wash it with hot soapy water and an old toothbrush (or other brush) at least every six months. He said that makes the life of the dryer at least twice as long. How about that!? Learn some- thing new everyday! I certainly didn't know dryer sheets would do that. So, I thought I'd share!
-------------------
Did You Know ???????????
Peel a banana from the bottom and you won't have to pick the little "stringy things" off of it. That's how the primates do it.
Take your bananas apart when you get home from the store. If you leave them con- nected at the stem, they ripen faster.
Store your opened chunks of cheese in aluminum foil. It will stay fresh much longer and not mold!
Peppers with 3 bumps on the bottom are sweeter and better for eating. Peppers with 4 bumps on the bottom are firmer and better for cooking.
Add a teaspoon of water when frying ground beef. It will help pull the grease away from the meat while cooking.
To really make scrambled eggs or omelets rich add a couple of spoonfuls of sour cream, cream cheese, or heavy cream in and then beat them up.
For a cool brownie treat, make brownies as directed. Melt Andes mints in double broiler and pour over warm brownies. Let set for a wonderful minty frosting.
Add garlic immediately to a recipe if you want a light taste of garlic and at the end of the recipe if your want a stronger taste of garlic.
Snickers bars make a delicious dessert. Simple chop them up with the food chopper. Peel, core and slice a few apples. Place them in a baking dish and sprinkle the chopped candy bars over the apples. Bake at 350 for 15 minutes!!! Serve alone or with vanilla ice cream.
1. Reheat Pizza...Heat up leftover pizza in a nonstick skillet on top of the stove, set heat to med-low and heat till warm. This keeps the crust crispy. No soggy micro pizza. I saw this on the cooking channel and it really works.
2. Easy Deviled Eggs ...Put cooked egg yolks in a zip lock bag. Seal, mash till they are all broken up. Add remainder of ingredients, reseal, keep mashing it up mixing thoroughly, cut the tip of the baggy, squeeze mixture into egg. Just throw bag away when done easy clean up.
3. Expanding Frosting...When you buy a container of cake frosting from the store, whip it with your mixer for a few minutes. You can double it in size. You get to frost more cake/cupcakes with the same amount. You also eat less sugar and calories per serving.
4. Reheating Refrigerated Bread...To warm biscuits, pancakes, or muffins that were refrigerated, place them in a microwave with a cup of water. The increased moisture will keep the food moist and help it reheat faster.
5. Newspaper Weeds Away...Start putting in your plants, work the nutrients in your soil. Wet newspapers put layers around the plants overlapping as you go cover with mulch and forget about weeds. Weeds will get through some gardening plastic they will not get through wet newspapers.
6. Broken Glass ...Use a wet cotton ball or Q-tip to pick up the small shards of glass you can't see easily.
7. No More Mosquitoes...Place a dryer sheet in your pocket. It will keep the mosquitoes away.
8. Squirrel Away ...To keep squirrels from eating your plants sprinkle your plants with cayenne pepper. The cayenne pepper doesn't hurt the plant and the squirrels won't come near it.
9. Flexible Vacuum...To get something out of a heat register or under the fridge add an empty paper towel roll or empty gift wrap roll to your vacuum. It can be bent or flattened to get in narrow openings.
10. Reducing Static Cling...Pin a small safety pin to the seam of your slip and you will not have a clingy skirt or dress. Same thing works with slacks that cling when wearing panty hose. Place pin in seam of slacks and -- ta da! -- static is gone.
11. Measuring Cups...Before you pour sticky substances into a measuring cup, fill with hot water. Dump out the hot water, but don't dry cup. Next, add your ingredient, such as peanut butter, and watch how easily it comes right out.
12. Foggy Windshield.....Hate foggy windshields? Buy a chalkboard eraser and keep it in the glove box of your car. When the windows fog, rub with the eraser! Works better than a cloth!
13. Reopening Envelope....If you seal an envelope and then realize you forgot to include something inside, just place your sealed envelope in the freezer for an hour or two. Viola! It unseals easily.
14. Conditioner....Use your hair conditioner to shave your legs. It's a lot cheaper than shaving cream and leaves your legs really smooth. It's also a great way to use up the conditioner you bought but didn't like when you tried it in your hair...
15. Goodbye Fruit Flies.....To get rid of pesky fruit flies, take a small glass fill it 1/2" with Apple Cider Vinegar and 2 drops of dish washing liquid, mix well. You will find those flies drawn to the cup and gone forever!
16. Get Rid of Ants .....Put small piles of cornmeal where you see ants. They eat it, take it "home," can't digest it so it kills them. It may take a week or so, especially if it rains, but it works and you don't have the worry about pets or small children being harmed!
17. INFO ABOUT CLOTHES DRYERS....The heating unit went out on my dryer! The man that fixes things around the house for us told us that he wanted to show us something and he went over to the dryer and pulled out the lint filter. It was clean. (I always clean the lint from the filter after every load clothes.) He told us that he wanted to show us something; he took the filter over to the sink, ran hot water over it. The lint filter is made of a mesh material - I'm sure you know what your dryer's lint filter looks like. well,...the hot water just sat on top of the mesh! It didn't go through it at all! He told us that dryer sheets cause a film over that mesh that's what burns out the heating unit. You can't SEE the film, but it's there. It's what is in the dryer sheets to make your clothes soft and static free -- that nice fragrance too, you know how they can feel waxy when you take them out of the box, well this stuff builds up on your clothes and on your lint screen. This is also what causes dryer units to catch fire and potentially burn your house down with it! He said the best way to keep your dryer working for a very long time (and to keep your electric bill lower) is to take that filter out and wash it with hot soapy water and an old toothbrush (or other brush) at least every six months. He said that makes the life of the dryer at least twice as long. How about that!? Learn some- thing new everyday! I certainly didn't know dryer sheets would do that. So, I thought I'd share!
Labels:
Useful info
Saturday, April 19, 2008
The Cat
Thanks, Randal.
-------------------
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Year's Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.
The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say Good-bye to my mother."
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid b*tch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"
The cab driver hit a parked car.
-------------------
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Year's Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.
The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say Good-bye to my mother."
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid b*tch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"
The cab driver hit a parked car.
Labels:
humor
Friday, April 18, 2008
Matthew 18:20
Thanks, Mark.-----------------
Matthew 18:20
For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them. Matthew 18:20
Does this count?
It doesn't matter how many people you send this to, just remember, if it made you smile, your friends will smile too.
May God richly bless
Labels:
encourage
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Calvin & Hobbes - Week of Apr 14th
http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/2008/04/14/
http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/2008/04/15/
http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/2008/04/16/
http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/2008/04/17/
http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/2008/04/18/
http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/2008/04/19/
http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/2008/04/20/
http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/2008/04/15/
http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/2008/04/16/
http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/2008/04/17/
http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/2008/04/18/
http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/2008/04/19/
http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/2008/04/20/
Labels:
humor
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Calvin & Hobbes - Week of Apr 7th
http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/2008/04/07/
http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/2008/04/08/
http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/2008/04/09/
http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/2008/04/10/
http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/2008/04/11/
http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/2008/04/12/
http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/2008/04/13/
http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/2008/04/08/
http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/2008/04/09/
http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/2008/04/10/
http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/2008/04/11/
http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/2008/04/12/
http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/2008/04/13/
Labels:
humor
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Chuckles
Thanks to Roy.
------------------------
My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Marriage is a three-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering
----------------------------------------------------------------------
For Sale : Wedding dress, size 8. Worn once by mistake.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: Before marriage and after marriage.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove Seemed way too qualified for the job . 'Look Miss,' said the foreman, 'have you any actual Experience in picking lemons? 'Well, as a matter if fact, yes!' she replied.? 'I've Been divorced three times.'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can Remove a curse he has be en living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me The exact words that were used to put the curse on you.' The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Reason Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: All the DNA is the same.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, 'So which six items would you like to buy?'
Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. 'Young man, we're both 90 years old,' the husband said, 'We may not have 45 minutes.' They were seated immediately.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father Escorted her down the aisle . They reached the altar to the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
--------------------------------------------------------------- ---------
Three friends from the local cong regation were asked, 'When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?' Artie said: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.'
Eugene commented: 'I would like them to say I was a Wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.'
Al said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord... 'God, what does a million years mean to you?' The Lord replies, 'A minute.' Smith asks, 'And what does a million dollars mean to you?' The Lord replies, 'A penny.' Smith asks, 'Can I have a penny?' The Lord replies, 'In a minute.'
-------------------- -------------- ---------------------------------
A man goes to a shrink and says, 'Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?' 'Relax,' says the Doctor, 'take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?'
--------------------------------------------------------------------
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. 'Give me one last request, dear,' he said. 'Of course, John,' his wife said softly. 'Six months after I die,' he said, 'I want you to marry Bob.' 'But I thought you hated Bob,' she said. With his last breath John said, 'I do!'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.' The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?' The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.' The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?' The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?' The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.' A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, 'Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?' The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, 'Take the poison.'
This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm
------------------------
My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Marriage is a three-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering
----------------------------------------------------------------------
For Sale : Wedding dress, size 8. Worn once by mistake.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: Before marriage and after marriage.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove Seemed way too qualified for the job . 'Look Miss,' said the foreman, 'have you any actual Experience in picking lemons? 'Well, as a matter if fact, yes!' she replied.? 'I've Been divorced three times.'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can Remove a curse he has be en living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me The exact words that were used to put the curse on you.' The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Reason Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: All the DNA is the same.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, 'So which six items would you like to buy?'
Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. 'Young man, we're both 90 years old,' the husband said, 'We may not have 45 minutes.' They were seated immediately.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father Escorted her down the aisle . They reached the altar to the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
--------------------------------------------------------------- ---------
Three friends from the local cong regation were asked, 'When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?' Artie said: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.'
Eugene commented: 'I would like them to say I was a Wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.'
Al said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord... 'God, what does a million years mean to you?' The Lord replies, 'A minute.' Smith asks, 'And what does a million dollars mean to you?' The Lord replies, 'A penny.' Smith asks, 'Can I have a penny?' The Lord replies, 'In a minute.'
-------------------- -------------- ---------------------------------
A man goes to a shrink and says, 'Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?' 'Relax,' says the Doctor, 'take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?'
--------------------------------------------------------------------
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. 'Give me one last request, dear,' he said. 'Of course, John,' his wife said softly. 'Six months after I die,' he said, 'I want you to marry Bob.' 'But I thought you hated Bob,' she said. With his last breath John said, 'I do!'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.' The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?' The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.' The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?' The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?' The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.' A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, 'Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?' The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, 'Take the poison.'
This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm
Labels:
humor
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Funny!
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa.
He sold his soul to Santa.
Labels:
humor
The Trip Home
Thanks, Randal.
---------------------
---------------------
- A pastor had been on a long flight between church conferences. The first warning of the approaching problems came when the sign on the airplane flashed on: Fasten Your Seat Belts.
- Then, after a while, a calm voice said, "We shall not be serving the beverages at this time as we are expecting a little turbulence. Please be sure your seat belt is fastened."
- As the pastor looked around the aircraft, it became obvious that many of the passengers were becoming apprehensive.
- Later, the voice on the intercom said, "We are so sorry that we are unable to serve the meal at this time. The turbulence is still ahead of us."
- And then the storm broke . . .
- The ominous cracks of thunder could be heard even above the roar of the engines. Lightning! Lit up the darkening skies, and within moments that great plane was like a cork tossed around on a celestial ocean. One moment the airplane was lifted on terrific currents of air; the next, it dropped as if it were about to crash.
- The pastor confessed that he shared the discomfort and fear of those around him. He said, "As I looked around the plane, I could see that nearly all the passengers were upset and alarmed. Some were praying. The future seemed ominous and many were wondering if they would make it through the storm.
- "Then, I suddenly saw a little girl. Apparently the storm meant nothing to her. She had tucked her feet beneath her as she sat on her seat; she was reading a book and every- thing within her small world was calm and orderly.
- "Sometimes she closed her eyes, then she would read again; then she would straighten her legs, but worry and fear were not in her world.
- When the plane was being buffeted by the terrible storm when it lurched this way and that, as it rose and fell with frightening severity, when all the adults were scared half to death, that marvelous child was completely composed and unafraid." The minister could hardly believe his eyes.
- It was not surprising therefore, that when the plane finally reached its destination and all the passengers were hurrying to disembark, our pastor lingered to speak to the girl whom he had watched for such a long time.
- Having commented about the storm and the behavior of the plane, he asked why she had not been afraid.
- The child replied, "Cause my Daddy's the pilot, and he's taking me home."
- There are many kinds of storms that buffet us. Physical, mental, financial, domestic, and many other storms can easily and quickly darken our skies and throw our plane into apparently uncontrollable movement. We have all known such times, and let us be honest and confess, it is much easier to be at rest when our feet are on the ground than when we are being tossed about a darkened sky.
- Let us remember: Our Father is the Pilot. He is in control and taking us home. Don't worry!
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Guns - Humorous, but true
Snuffy, of course.
-----------------------
This is the law: The purpose of fighting is to win. There is no possible victory in defense. The sword is more important than the shield and skill is more important than either. The final weapon is the brain. All else is supplemental.
1. Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you. -- John Steinbeck
2. If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck.
3. I carry a gun cause a cop is too heavy.
4. When seconds count, the cops are just minutes away.
5. A reporter did a human interest piece on the Texas Rangers. The reporter recognized the Colt Model 1911 the Ranger was carrying and asked him, "Why carry a .45?". The Ranger responded with, "Because they don't make a .46." * Credit to Retired Texas Ranger Joaquin (Waukeen) Jackson, Alpine, Texas .
6. An armed man will kill an unarmed man with monotonous regularity.
7. The old sheriff was attending an awards dinner when a lady commented on his wearing his sidearm. "Sheriff, I see you have your pistol. Are you expecting trouble?" "No Ma'am. If I were expecting trouble, I would have brought my rifle."
8. Beware the man who only has one gun. HE PROBABLY KNOWS HOW TO USE IT!!!
Comments: I was once asked by a lady visiting if I had a gun in the house. To which I said I did. She said, "Well I certainly hope it isn't loaded!" To which I said, "Of course it is loaded, can't work without bullets.." She then asked, "Are you that afraid of someone evil coming into your house?" My reply was, "No not at all. I am not afraid of the house catching fire either, but I have fire extinguishers around, and THEY ARE ALL LOADED."
This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm
-----------------------
This is the law: The purpose of fighting is to win. There is no possible victory in defense. The sword is more important than the shield and skill is more important than either. The final weapon is the brain. All else is supplemental.
1. Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you. -- John Steinbeck
2. If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck.
3. I carry a gun cause a cop is too heavy.
4. When seconds count, the cops are just minutes away.
5. A reporter did a human interest piece on the Texas Rangers. The reporter recognized the Colt Model 1911 the Ranger was carrying and asked him, "Why carry a .45?". The Ranger responded with, "Because they don't make a .46." * Credit to Retired Texas Ranger Joaquin (Waukeen) Jackson, Alpine, Texas .
6. An armed man will kill an unarmed man with monotonous regularity.
7. The old sheriff was attending an awards dinner when a lady commented on his wearing his sidearm. "Sheriff, I see you have your pistol. Are you expecting trouble?" "No Ma'am. If I were expecting trouble, I would have brought my rifle."
8. Beware the man who only has one gun. HE PROBABLY KNOWS HOW TO USE IT!!!
Comments: I was once asked by a lady visiting if I had a gun in the house. To which I said I did. She said, "Well I certainly hope it isn't loaded!" To which I said, "Of course it is loaded, can't work without bullets.." She then asked, "Are you that afraid of someone evil coming into your house?" My reply was, "No not at all. I am not afraid of the house catching fire either, but I have fire extinguishers around, and THEY ARE ALL LOADED."
This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm
Labels:
humor
The Fable of the Hot Chocolate
A group of graduates, well established in their careers, were talking at a reunion and decided to go visit their old university professor, now retired. During their visit, the conversation turned to complaints about stress in their work and lives. Offering his guests hot chocolate, the professor went into the kitchen and returned with a large pot of hot chocolate and an assortment of cups - porcelain, glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive, some exquisite - telling them to help themselves to the hot chocolate.
When they all had a cup of hot chocolate in hand, the professor said: "Notice that all the nice looking, expensive cups were taken, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress. The cup that you're drinking from adds nothing to the quality of the hot chocolate. In most cases it is just more expensive and in some cases even hides what we drink. What all of you really wanted was hot chocolate, not the cup; but you consciously went for the best cups... And then you began eyeing each other's cups.
Now consider this: Life is the hot chocolate; your job, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain life. The cup you have does not define, nor change the quality of life you have. Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the hot chocolate God has provided us. God makes the hot chocolate, man chooses the cups.
The happiest people don't have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything that they have.
--
"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning how to dance in the rain." (Unknown)
When they all had a cup of hot chocolate in hand, the professor said: "Notice that all the nice looking, expensive cups were taken, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress. The cup that you're drinking from adds nothing to the quality of the hot chocolate. In most cases it is just more expensive and in some cases even hides what we drink. What all of you really wanted was hot chocolate, not the cup; but you consciously went for the best cups... And then you began eyeing each other's cups.
Now consider this: Life is the hot chocolate; your job, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain life. The cup you have does not define, nor change the quality of life you have. Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the hot chocolate God has provided us. God makes the hot chocolate, man chooses the cups.
The happiest people don't have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything that they have.
Live simply.
Love generously.
Care deeply.
Speak kindly.
And enjoy your hot chocolate..
Love generously.
Care deeply.
Speak kindly.
And enjoy your hot chocolate..
"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning how to dance in the rain." (Unknown)
Labels:
encourage
Sending you some Spring!!!!
- I JUST LOVE THIS!!!! Hope you do too!!
- Click on the snowman. You will get a black page. Click your mouse
- anywhere (& everywhere) on the page & see what happens!
- Better yet, click
(hold down) & drag your mouse over the black page...
- Enjoy!!
Labels:
fun
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)