Note to a Dog

The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.

Dear Dog: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. Feel free to consume that which has fallen from my plate onto the floor.

The hallway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me down the hallway is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy afford to buy a bed bigger than the one I have. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. You can actually curl up in a ball, you know. You do not have to stretch out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the door in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness to you, I have posted the following message on the front door of our house:

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT MY DOG:

(1) He lives here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want his hair on your
clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my dog a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, he is an animal. To me, he is an adopted child who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and thankfully ...doesn't talk.

Remember, dogs are better than kids because they:
(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't hang out with drug-using people;
(7) don't smoke or drink,
(8) don't want to wear your clothes,
(9) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
(11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children!!

HAVE A "DOG"-GONE GOOD DAY!!!
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Thanks, Brenda.