today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as
he attempted to board a flight while in
possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set
square, a slide rule, and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General
Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a
member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He
did not identify the man, who has been charged by
the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a problem for us," Gonzales
said. "They desire solutions by means and
extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a
search of absolute value. They use secret code
names like "x" and "y" and refer to themselves as
"unknowns," but we have determined they belong to
a common denominator of the axis of medieval with
coordinates in every country. As the Greek
philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are three sides to every triangle.""
When asked to comment on the arrest, President
Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better
weapons of math instruction, He would have given
us more fingers and toes." White House aides
told reporters they could not recall a more
intelligent or profound statement by the President.
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